New Year...New LIBERATION!!

AHHHH. Picture me taking a huge exhale, in utter amazement of the whirlwind of winding rough roads this past year has been. I could write a book on this year alone and all the Seasons of change, heartache, refreshing and love we have experienced, along with a million other adjectives that would hold their own chapters. But here we are standing at the other end embracing a NEW YEAR, full of many new surprises and challenges I am sure.

So the last month has been the craziest of all, we spent 16 days in Chicago and Wisconsin and it was bursting with time with people we love and full of the many kindness' of God. We returned on January 1st and moved to a new apartment on the 2nd, which was insane, but as I stare at boxes in front of me, almost three weeks later, I know that I am a changed woman. I am learning to roll with it and be ok (some days anyway) to allow my life to be the chaos that it is. There is always room for growth, but there is ALWAYS NEED and room for GRACE for ourselves and from God.

I flew back to Chicago on the 7th for the Phoenix Runway Hairshow and Benefit, which one of my dearest friends put together. It was on the 11th, and let me just say it was EXQUISITE, she worked tirelessly on it and it was perfect in every way. 500 guests, most of whom I did not know, came to support the hairstylists that did the amazing hair and Support us as a family. I was overwhelmed and so thankful for all the love and support we experienced. I will post pictures as soon as they are available and write more, cause this could be a chapter in itself.

I returned to San Antonio on the 12th and Phoenix and I flew to Dallas on the 13th for an orthopedic Dr. appt, this is our third Dr, that is why i went all the way to dallas. It has been a hard and strange process for me and I honestly left Dallas feeling discouraged and a little bit frustrated. But today I got to talk with Phoenix's Physical therapist and she had some great feedback and felt that all and all the Dr.'s lack of concern was Good news. The current route we are going with taping and splinting his club foot has shown great results and we will continue to go that way. He does not have to have surgery at this point, which is GREAT news!!! Hardest news to swallow is that he has no feeling from the waist down and when a Dr. confirms it, with all the long term realities of it, such as no muscle tone and or control, my heart aches deeply and I find myself reaching to God for a miracle. This always lands me in a place of deep thought, and I have to remember that we can not understand God's ways or his plans and that the best place to rest is in Hope and Faith, that God is always faithful, no matter what it looks like to our small seeing eyes.

Can't believe it is February and I am still trying to settle into the apartment, not finding the time or energy I need to get it all sorted out. Mike always reminds me that the boys are the most important. So I am trying to keep my eyes and heart set on giving to them and when I get the moment do the rest.

My sister in law Lacey told me a story about a friend who picked one word for her new year and that was the word that she focused on and asked God to make her year look like. So this year my word is Liberation, which is a strong adjective, but I feel this promise over 2010.

I have realized and discovered so many or my strengths and weakness' this year. A lot of the trials I face are within myself, my own criticizing and my great weakness of desiring to please people. I know myself pretty well and have worked on this area within myself many times. And yet have discovered at a deep level that I allow myself to carry the expections and judgements of others that are placed on me. This is one area I know I am being liberated or set free from. This time I believe it is not in I don't care way of thinking. But instead, I will be strong and confident in the road I am walking and in the decisions I have to make for our family. I desire to walk in a bold and strong stance and to not allow my fears and others judgement pull at me. This season alone has allowed me to face deeper parts of my heart and put focus and energy into changing. It has also allowed me to feel isolated and in turn be hard on myself, but that is all part of last year.

My focus has shifted and I feel lighter and able to tune out my own self- critiquing and tune into encouragement and God. I am taking babysteps toward getting a grasp on the day to day running of a household that so overwhelm me. I am finiding time and peace to enjoy each day even if it means nothing got checked off my to-do list. This is a season and life only continues to ebb and flow towards newness.

We love you all and thankful for your friendship and love in our lives. I am hoping to update again soon as there is much more to share and never enough time!!!

Alone

Alone seems like a word we are all familar with, we all face this feeling, thought or attitude in our heart on many occasions. Whether it be a situation, emotion or just life in general. Some of us know it and its lingering memories so fierce that the faintest implication can bring back its many complexities. For example when Mike was in boot camp my best friend Dana's husband Nate was in boot camp as well. They were not together but both away, everyday Dana and I has survival tactics. They included loading our 1 1/2 yr. olds in the car and indulging some of Wisconsin's finest Luxury excursions. Mainly trips to Starbucks, drive-thru only, we would have to be insane to drag those to any further than the car most days because as much as we were feeling alone, they were in the same boat, yet had no understanding of it all. One of our normal escapades, was McDonald's Play place, which is only a luxury if you are a stay at home Mom with a winter stir crazy child, maybe not, but for most. All of this to say Dana took Olivia there last week and it awakened in her many emotions including aloneness that were rooted in her and I during that season. Olivia, however was more annoyed than anything that there were BIG sweaty kids there playing in her area and running her over.

My point is, this place is a hard and desperate place. An emotion I wish God kept hidden in some place far, far away. It is what I have felt and articulated to God in too many conversations. From the All day Dr. appointments, where I only feel judgement and the deep resolve that I am so Alone, to the everyday realities of living in a World that has no filter on their thoughts being daggers that no one has the right to articulate, all the way to the depth of misguided perception of ourselves.

There are too many stories to tell and example in all that I am saying. I am sure you can reminisce and pull quite a few experiences of your own. For the sake of understanding here's a quick one. One day I was at a store just wasting time between appointments and a Woman comes up to me and asks, "What did you do to your baby's foot?" Phoenix wears a cast on his Club foot to correct it. Of curse being so taken off guard at this implication (as I always am). I politely responded with, "my son was born with a Club foot and the cast is to help correct this". Though inside I wanted to scream and yell at her,"Who are you to insinuate that I am faulted in this and how dare you?" It didn't stop there however, she continued on with a story of one of her children being born with 6 fingers and having to have it surgically removed and assured me that He would be ok and never know the difference. Then again that emotion creeps in ALONE.

What I wanted to explain to her, if she had a moment to listen, was that the Club foot is just the beginning and that Phoenix had been thru multiple surgeries and that Our family has sacrificed hours of energy and Faith into this little boy and that this is the beginning of a long journey not a surgical removal of a 6th finger.

Now don't get me wrong, I appreciated her heart of trying to relate and encourage me, but our problem as people is we just don't always take time to listen or think about what we are about to say. Everyone has a Story and it is ALWAYS more deep and intertwined than what we see. I feel challenged in this daily, to stop and care for someone who is in need or merely reach out to those I am close too. I don't always have to Understand it, because it's their story not mine, but I should ALWAYS be there to listen, encourage and love them the best I can.

This is a middle line story I am telling, there are many more that left wounds deeper and brought tears on my way home from the interaction. The most current one was the situation with our apartment, it is too long to go into. But let me jut say this, Compassion and Understanding are lacking in our day and age and so many unbeautiful characteristics are the driving force behind buisness' and people.

So this is the nutshell version of these weeks and months with Phoenix and they all lead me deeper and deeper into myself, which always has me running into the arms of God. Because when I feel most understood, judged or Alone, I know that He is right there to walk with me through it all. To gently remind me that I am never Alone, that He is always there. The Truth is that we are not Alone in this life, there are many people who pray, love, encourage and support us daily. All of you who love us through it all. Each moment we face this place, aloneness is the moment where God is drawing us, to Him. To Know that He cares, understands and is ALWAYS there. Cause sometimes even with all the love an support we have surrounding us, no one else is walking through it physically beside me, besides him.

Know I am not wallowing in this place and I am annoyed that I will revisit it many more times in my life, as will you. But I come out stronger and more aware of the reality of what I am facing. I become more prepared to address the Thoughts that should not become words and the implications that I am doing anything less than the Best for my family. I am becoming graciously assertive. My desire is that through an interaction with me they will think deeper about what they are about to say and have more compassion before passing a judgement on others, as well as realizing that Our Story, your Story, their Story is not what it appears to be at first glance.

We are doing well and continuing to learn and Grow as a family. Phoenix is doing good, he's progressing and changing daily and we love him so much. Rowan is content an hilarious, he keeps talking about all the people he is going to see after he goes on the Airplane. Mike is doing Awesome in school and is soo looking forward to 2 weeks off. Jon got a new waiting job at a busier restaurant and is doing well. I am learning and growing and becoming. My heart is at peace with the pace we have to keep and this season of Craziness. We are moving when we com back on January 2nd to a 3 bedroom apartment, which is a huge answer to prayer.

Merry Christmas to you all, we love you and are grateful for your love and support in our lives.

UNKNOWN

I am not sure where to start, i have written this post about 10 times now in my head about all the challenges I have been facing and all the up and downs and in and outs of this life I live. It never makes it's way to the blog only stored in the file cabinet in my head. It has been one of the hardest few weeks i have had since Phoenix has been home. In so many ways I can not put into words all the emotions, what triggered it or where to begin. But after a Beautiful time with one of my dearest and deepest friends I see more clearly, maybe that is.



Because I don't even know where to start, I just don't start at all. It all brews within me, taking over my heart, my head, and my daily living. you know that feeking of being lost somewhere in it all. Three weeks ago we had Phoenix's MRI which was the beginning. He had to be intibated(put under with a tube down his throat) for my son to come off a machine and breathe on his own is unexplainably hard. That did not happen this time but has been our experience before. Add to this an Anesthelogist whom on both occassions we worked with him rubbed both Mike ans I the wrong way, not very helpful.

How can I put to words what happens in the time I wait for my baby to come out of surgery or any procedure in which I am waiting in a room. Irrational fears whisper. My whole being waits in this anticipation, everytime the waiting room phone rings I hope it is for us, or a Dr. walks in I pray it is ours. What surfaces in these hours is the memories of Evan our first born, the time when the Dr. told us he had a fatal birth defect to the day he was born not to Earth but only to Death. You see that is our only experience with Children and Birth defects. Every time we wonder are we gonna have to be the parents who are told the Horrible news?? I don't live in this place, I only visit it while waiting for the UNKNOWN.

Truly it is there that anxiety can have its way anyways, for all of us. We can get lost in previous experience or in our minds lurking fears. It is these times that again and again I have to entrust my life and Phoenix's and all the plans for us as a family, to God. He is the only place I know Peace in.

The Mri ripped into depths of me in new ways. It was the beginning of seeing what was lying in the crevices of my heart, questions, fears, doubts and FAITH. In these moments I am overwhelmed that while most children and their families will maybe experience one MRI, Surgery or major medical intervention, or situation where we are completely at the hand of someone else. But Phoenix this is what his and our life will consist of. Not to be dramatic, but truly, we are only on month four of his life. This is when the tears come and the realization that what was once "normal" no longer exists.

Now if you know us, you will know that my life, our families life has never been "normal" and most days I am ok or really appreciate that. But in those moments all I want is for my baby, for him to be able to have it all in the way we see "it all".

These times take me hours, days, sometimes weeks to unravel. What I am feeling, what i need to SEE and who and where GOd is in the midst of it all. Not that God ever changes, but His heart is that we know him in all these times hard and easy, know who he is and what he desires us to grab a hold of. That is where and when my Faith stands Strong on God.

Here I am three weeks later, to report that I have faced many more obstacles of my mind. The ones that come in the form of self-pity, comparison and feelings of failure. In this moment as I write and just coming out of a great time with one of my dearest friends, I realize that so much of what we give our thoughts over to is not the TRUTH.

Because most would look at my life and say I am doing a great job, but I would look at the day to day of my life and think I am lacking. My house is a mess, my son watches too much T.v., I am never on top of the weekly to do list and... Well let me just say.... I never feel ahead. I know all this is not the TRUTH. Because if any one of my friends was living in these thoughts or feeling this overwhelmed, I would tell them that what matters, what really matters is, LOVE.

Loving your husband, children, friends and family. My Mom taught me that one. The day to day is always there and we are our own worst critics. My life is not measured by my accomplishments of cleaning, but by where I invested my time, heart and love. That I can say with all my heart is in God and those I love, at this time mainly my family.

So all of this to say, here is a little window into all that I am processing through and how it can take me a LOOOOONG time to come back to the simplest Truth. Thanks for listening and caring and I hope you receive God's grace thru it all.

The GREATEST news is that Phoenix's Optical Nerves are NOT premature, so now we meet with the Opthamologist on Dec. 1st for his recommendations, whether it be therapy and glasses or what??? This is a Miracle and answer to prayer, I know that with all my heart. He is doing well, the greatest determent to him at this point is how well and how far or near he can see, hopefully we will get answers. Otherwise his Plastic Surgeoun is thrilled with his back and the Neurosurgeoun reported that all is well with his shunt. So he is growing and developing daily and a ccomplete JOY to have.

Rowan is Hilarious, everyday he says new things and they have us rolling in laughter. He does this new thing, when he gets his feelings hurt. He'll walk over to a corner and put his head down and lip out and pout, it really is adorable and his way of communicating with us. I love who he is becoming daily and enjoy our times together.

Currently, we are looking for a house to rent, we have outgrown a 2 bedroom apartment and are hoping to move into a house after Christmas for the remaining 7 months we are here. So please pray for that, it is really challenging to find a house in a neighborhood that is close to Ft. Sam and the hospitals, within our price range. I know that God has something in store and maybe it is to just stay put, either way we appreciate your prayers for all the details.

Thank you for all your love, encouragement and prayers. WE love and feel honired to have each and everyone of you with us in this journey of Faith and fighting.