The many roads of my heart and how they all lead back...

It is amazing how in just a moment of humility, my eyes can be lifted and my heart feels lighter in the midst of challenge coming everyday. I am thankful for that. I feel refreshed as Mike and I finished a weekend together, having a husband is a reward that I have felt guilty for needing, yet I know that in this season more than ever I need his support in every moment of the day to day and I realized that is right.

On the note of Mike moving in potentially with us, it has been moving forward on the paperwork side of things. These are emotional times, because as usual I have to deal with Dr.'s and their protocall and the in-betweens, in these moments it is just trying to clearly explain what I need and hoping and praying that it is enough to move the right people to make the best decision for us as a family. The truth in all of this that I cling to is that God is ultimately in control. I have faced more challenges this week emotionally with this Truth.

I met a Mom at the pool the other day and she has 2 children and is a labor and delivery nurse and when we got to talking and I told her about the baby, she had some thoughts that were challenging and caused me to re-evaluate what I KNOW to be Truth. You see in the medical field and actually most people would ask why I would want to continue on with this pregnancy as Phoenix and we will face many challenges on all levels if he is not healed.

She said," do you know how hard this baby's life will be? and your life will be?"

I replied, "yes, I know it will be challenging."

That is all I could muster at this moment, because I never faced a question that directly, only the underlying implications that the decision I was making was wrong or selfish. These are hard thoughts for some, but loads of people think this way toward a life that is not "optimal quality".
When I got back to the apartment I lost it, thinking about what have we come to that we have the ability and control to decide who has the right to live and who doesn't and what an "optimal" life looks like... I believe and stand on that God knit this baby together and there is a purpose and destiny on his life even if it is full of challenge, which of course would break any Mother's heart to know the challenge of just "being different" than all the other kids. It is a mystery to the Doctors why my body continues to grow and nurture babies with these birth defects, when it is a mystery to a dr. I see the fingerprint of God even more clearly.

So many times this week Mike and I have faced the thoughts of the road ahead, we know that God will give to us the Grace we need to face whatever is ahead, yet more than ever we have been pleading with God to heal and restore Phoenix' body. Often times in our heart we feel more prepared for God changing our minds to see as he sees and that this child is Beautiful and Perfect to him in whatever we perceive as lack, amazing how different we see.

Well that is a nutshell of what these days have looked like. I have an appointment next thursday, a level 2 ultrasound which is pretty much routine for me, please pray that the Dr. would be compassionate and respectful of all that we desire for this baby. I am hoping that questions will be answered and the path ahead be clearer. This will be my first meeting with our Doctor and I must admit I am a bit nervous about the whole thing...

On the front of feeling settled and less whirlwindish, I feel encouraged and strong for the Roads ahead and am believing that it can only get better and hopefully a little less bumpy roads.

Love to all and I will update soon I am sure.