Life is but a breath.

Maybe tonight is not a good time to write. I have just came out of a week that I would rather not think about. Let alone relive for you. It has been one full of long days and draining emotion And still no conclusion.
But more than all that I can not stop thinking, aching and praying for dear friends of mine. On thursday my best friend Shannon called me to tell me that her brother and sister in law (Adam and Annie) just lost their aughter. Delia was three and like sunshine on a cloudy day. She loved life and made her family love life as well. Ann and I were pregnant together and though we have woven in and out of eachother lives on special occassions there is connection in our hearts. Mike and I have been so fond of her and Adam from the start, it was always easy and rich conversation with them. They are beautiful, strong and authentic in heart and soul. Tomorrow is the memorial and a flood of memories and emotions come.
I can't stop thinking about our first born Evan and the roads ahead for Annie and Adam. Grieving and life are long journeys, where every breath can be painfully refreshing or crushing. Some days, I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I birthed a life that I would never get to make memories with. Other days would pass like wind and I would think of Evan and move on in hope and joy. For them, all I can think about is the ache of so much of their life that was filled with her laughter and tears. Each room and memory will lead to deep and raw emotion that will at times take there breath away.
The flood of emotions. Grief. Thankfulness. And so much more complex heart longings for us, for them, for you.
Life should be cherished with everybreath, I miss this so often.
And I pray that tonight as I remember Delia and ache for Adam and Annie and the whole family to whom we love dearly, that we would step back and cherish life and breath. Joy and pain.
And celebrate a life of beauty, though much to short.
Delia dances in heaven with flowers in her hair and a great smile on her face.
May we dance and LIVE with those we love while we can.

2 months have come and gone.

Mike's Graduation day, he surprised me with that gorgeous yellow coat I am wearing, love his ability to shop and spoil me!!

Walk with our wonderful new friends Tanner and Ashley, their Mom Chrystal and I have become fast friends and I swear she is Crazy taking her three and my two out for "FUN"!!

Rowan in Tanner's Buzz costume, he loves Toy Story, Wiggles, Sesame Street and Dora as of late.

Rowan and Phoenix hanging out eating lunch!!

Granny and Rowan, my Mom slaved her whole week here. I didn't do a load of laundry or load the dishwasher for a whole week. It was amazing, she is SUPER GRANNY and a great strength to my heart. Thank God for Mom's!!

Really, it has been 2 months, unbelievable. They have passed like waves flowing and ebbing and then beautifully crashing on the beach. We have been engulfed in the routine of Monday and Wednesday therapies, juggling one car, hosting dinner parties with Army friends, visits with Granny and Mimi, meal planning, grocery shopping, date nights, new neighbors with phenomenal kids (complete answer to prayer), sewing, creative ventures, loss of a dear dear friend, reflections on Faith, marriage and the plans of God for us...

Clearly this list just builds and builds and fully engulfs my time and thoughts, giving me life some days that are like nails on a chalkboard and others, seemingly as wonderful and refreshing as the sunshine after a dreary winter. It seems we are growing up quickly and transition has been happening for all of us.

Mike Graduated last Wednesday from the Classroom part of his time here, what should have taken only six months was stretched out to eleven. It was painstaking for him at times, but he is great about remembering that Phoenix and the time off he had was a tremendous blessing. He is such a great man, his eyes are so focused on us and he goes to great lengths daily to be the best husband, father and man for our family. I am in awe often at the load he carries and how well he does it. I am constantly reminded by his character and love, what a gift he is to me and the boys and all that know him. This week he started his clinicals which has been really fresh and enjoyable for him. His leadership at the hospital is both flexible and laid back which is a cool drink of water from the last round of higher ups. His days end so early, that we are able to spend time together as a family before the dinner time craziness ensues. Mike is most excited about coming home in five months it has been over a year for him already since he left for boot camp. We miss our friends and family and life that is Ours and not the military's. So he is eager to move into that place, but also enjoying the time we have.

Rowan, he has seriously become a little boy, no more toddler left. Talking and expressing his emotions and thoughts, brilliantly. He has learned to entertain and play alone, which has been a great relief for me. I am able to Give Phoenix and the house (sometimes) the time and attention they need. He never allows too much time to pass before I hear his famous saying, "Mama come". That is one of my favorite parts of our day and his personality. He still enjoys me and I remember to stop and enjoy him. There is so much to love about him in this age and I don't wanna miss a moment. He loves to run outside and hide in the bushes, playing with his new best friend Tanner (neighbor) upstairs, taking walks to Starbucks and lunch's at Chik-fila. Wrestling with Uncle Jon, Papa and Tanner is a consistent adventure of his days. Rowan has truly taken on his namesake in so many ways. A tree with strong/ deep roots. He draws us back to each other and him and I can always see through his nature when the balance is off or the roots are in need of refreshing.

Phoenix, is progressing. Sometimes it seems rapid and others slow and steady. His eyes are focused and strong in new ways, which is so wonderful to see. He is getting strong at holding his head up and lasting longer and longer through his therapies. We had a urologist appointment this week and have a Eurodynamics test in early April. This test will dictate a catherization schedule and all the continuation of care. He will also be getting fitted, for his first wheelchair, standing frame and new car seat (specially designed to accommodate his kyphosis). It takes a couple months for insurance and the companies to get everything sorted out and made. Phoenix will have most of it by his first birthday. Which means he'll be learning to use it all as part of his daily therapy!! I can't believe how fast the time has gone. He is sweet and content, yet strong and determined, enjoying the new amounts of personality gushing forth. In the last couple weeks he has been smiling more and more and he has the best belly laughs, deep giggles, they light up my day. Enjoying him and the pace that he graces my life with. Phoenix has soared above expectations. I find myself amazed at the way God uses Phoenix to draw me to a place of focus on God alone.

I love that each of them has opened up my heart to unfathomable riches. To imagine what there lives will become and watch them unfold as individuals is a great honor. I am overwhelmed by the blessing of all that is stored up with in this role as a Mama.

My heart is growing softer and softer daily. I feel like layers of myself are unfolding and I am learning more and more about me. Odd, I really believed I knew myself through and through. But clearly God knows me better than myself and loves to teach me more about me.

Psalm 139 is a refuge for me. I have found great strength in these words.

"For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my Mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made: your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you."

This is the core of our Faith for Phoenix and the essence of beauty and depth of God's love for us, that his thoughts toward us outnumber the grains of sand and that he formed every part of me before the beginnings of the earth. Brilliant he is indeed. And so kind to reveal all that he sees and knows me to be.

Our journey is full of new adventures and fresh ability to walk in liberation as promised for this year!! Thank you all for sharing in this with us and loving us. We cherish you.

New Year...New LIBERATION!!

AHHHH. Picture me taking a huge exhale, in utter amazement of the whirlwind of winding rough roads this past year has been. I could write a book on this year alone and all the Seasons of change, heartache, refreshing and love we have experienced, along with a million other adjectives that would hold their own chapters. But here we are standing at the other end embracing a NEW YEAR, full of many new surprises and challenges I am sure.

So the last month has been the craziest of all, we spent 16 days in Chicago and Wisconsin and it was bursting with time with people we love and full of the many kindness' of God. We returned on January 1st and moved to a new apartment on the 2nd, which was insane, but as I stare at boxes in front of me, almost three weeks later, I know that I am a changed woman. I am learning to roll with it and be ok (some days anyway) to allow my life to be the chaos that it is. There is always room for growth, but there is ALWAYS NEED and room for GRACE for ourselves and from God.

I flew back to Chicago on the 7th for the Phoenix Runway Hairshow and Benefit, which one of my dearest friends put together. It was on the 11th, and let me just say it was EXQUISITE, she worked tirelessly on it and it was perfect in every way. 500 guests, most of whom I did not know, came to support the hairstylists that did the amazing hair and Support us as a family. I was overwhelmed and so thankful for all the love and support we experienced. I will post pictures as soon as they are available and write more, cause this could be a chapter in itself.

I returned to San Antonio on the 12th and Phoenix and I flew to Dallas on the 13th for an orthopedic Dr. appt, this is our third Dr, that is why i went all the way to dallas. It has been a hard and strange process for me and I honestly left Dallas feeling discouraged and a little bit frustrated. But today I got to talk with Phoenix's Physical therapist and she had some great feedback and felt that all and all the Dr.'s lack of concern was Good news. The current route we are going with taping and splinting his club foot has shown great results and we will continue to go that way. He does not have to have surgery at this point, which is GREAT news!!! Hardest news to swallow is that he has no feeling from the waist down and when a Dr. confirms it, with all the long term realities of it, such as no muscle tone and or control, my heart aches deeply and I find myself reaching to God for a miracle. This always lands me in a place of deep thought, and I have to remember that we can not understand God's ways or his plans and that the best place to rest is in Hope and Faith, that God is always faithful, no matter what it looks like to our small seeing eyes.

Can't believe it is February and I am still trying to settle into the apartment, not finding the time or energy I need to get it all sorted out. Mike always reminds me that the boys are the most important. So I am trying to keep my eyes and heart set on giving to them and when I get the moment do the rest.

My sister in law Lacey told me a story about a friend who picked one word for her new year and that was the word that she focused on and asked God to make her year look like. So this year my word is Liberation, which is a strong adjective, but I feel this promise over 2010.

I have realized and discovered so many or my strengths and weakness' this year. A lot of the trials I face are within myself, my own criticizing and my great weakness of desiring to please people. I know myself pretty well and have worked on this area within myself many times. And yet have discovered at a deep level that I allow myself to carry the expections and judgements of others that are placed on me. This is one area I know I am being liberated or set free from. This time I believe it is not in I don't care way of thinking. But instead, I will be strong and confident in the road I am walking and in the decisions I have to make for our family. I desire to walk in a bold and strong stance and to not allow my fears and others judgement pull at me. This season alone has allowed me to face deeper parts of my heart and put focus and energy into changing. It has also allowed me to feel isolated and in turn be hard on myself, but that is all part of last year.

My focus has shifted and I feel lighter and able to tune out my own self- critiquing and tune into encouragement and God. I am taking babysteps toward getting a grasp on the day to day running of a household that so overwhelm me. I am finiding time and peace to enjoy each day even if it means nothing got checked off my to-do list. This is a season and life only continues to ebb and flow towards newness.

We love you all and thankful for your friendship and love in our lives. I am hoping to update again soon as there is much more to share and never enough time!!!