Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I am not sure where to start, i have written this post about 10 times now in my head about all the challenges I have been facing and all the up and downs and in and outs of this life I live. It never makes it's way to the blog only stored in the file cabinet in my head. It has been one of the hardest few weeks i have had since Phoenix has been home. In so many ways I can not put into words all the emotions, what triggered it or where to begin. But after a Beautiful time with one of my dearest and deepest friends I see more clearly, maybe that is.

Because I don't even know where to start, I just don't start at all. It all brews within me, taking over my heart, my head, and my daily living. you know that feeking of being lost somewhere in it all. Three weeks ago we had Phoenix's MRI which was the beginning. He had to be intibated(put under with a tube down his throat) for my son to come off a machine and breathe on his own is unexplainably hard. That did not happen this time but has been our experience before. Add to this an Anesthelogist whom on both occassions we worked with him rubbed both Mike ans I the wrong way, not very helpful.

How can I put to words what happens in the time I wait for my baby to come out of surgery or any procedure in which I am waiting in a room. Irrational fears whisper. My whole being waits in this anticipation, everytime the waiting room phone rings I hope it is for us, or a Dr. walks in I pray it is ours. What surfaces in these hours is the memories of Evan our first born, the time when the Dr. told us he had a fatal birth defect to the day he was born not to Earth but only to Death. You see that is our only experience with Children and Birth defects. Every time we wonder are we gonna have to be the parents who are told the Horrible news?? I don't live in this place, I only visit it while waiting for the UNKNOWN.

Truly it is there that anxiety can have its way anyways, for all of us. We can get lost in previous experience or in our minds lurking fears. It is these times that again and again I have to entrust my life and Phoenix's and all the plans for us as a family, to God. He is the only place I know Peace in.

The Mri ripped into depths of me in new ways. It was the beginning of seeing what was lying in the crevices of my heart, questions, fears, doubts and FAITH. In these moments I am overwhelmed that while most children and their families will maybe experience one MRI, Surgery or major medical intervention, or situation where we are completely at the hand of someone else. But Phoenix this is what his and our life will consist of. Not to be dramatic, but truly, we are only on month four of his life. This is when the tears come and the realization that what was once "normal" no longer exists.

Now if you know us, you will know that my life, our families life has never been "normal" and most days I am ok or really appreciate that. But in those moments all I want is for my baby, for him to be able to have it all in the way we see "it all".

These times take me hours, days, sometimes weeks to unravel. What I am feeling, what i need to SEE and who and where GOd is in the midst of it all. Not that God ever changes, but His heart is that we know him in all these times hard and easy, know who he is and what he desires us to grab a hold of. That is where and when my Faith stands Strong on God.

Here I am three weeks later, to report that I have faced many more obstacles of my mind. The ones that come in the form of self-pity, comparison and feelings of failure. In this moment as I write and just coming out of a great time with one of my dearest friends, I realize that so much of what we give our thoughts over to is not the TRUTH.

Because most would look at my life and say I am doing a great job, but I would look at the day to day of my life and think I am lacking. My house is a mess, my son watches too much T.v., I am never on top of the weekly to do list and... Well let me just say.... I never feel ahead. I know all this is not the TRUTH. Because if any one of my friends was living in these thoughts or feeling this overwhelmed, I would tell them that what matters, what really matters is, LOVE.

Loving your husband, children, friends and family. My Mom taught me that one. The day to day is always there and we are our own worst critics. My life is not measured by my accomplishments of cleaning, but by where I invested my time, heart and love. That I can say with all my heart is in God and those I love, at this time mainly my family.

So all of this to say, here is a little window into all that I am processing through and how it can take me a LOOOOONG time to come back to the simplest Truth. Thanks for listening and caring and I hope you receive God's grace thru it all.

The GREATEST news is that Phoenix's Optical Nerves are NOT premature, so now we meet with the Opthamologist on Dec. 1st for his recommendations, whether it be therapy and glasses or what??? This is a Miracle and answer to prayer, I know that with all my heart. He is doing well, the greatest determent to him at this point is how well and how far or near he can see, hopefully we will get answers. Otherwise his Plastic Surgeoun is thrilled with his back and the Neurosurgeoun reported that all is well with his shunt. So he is growing and developing daily and a ccomplete JOY to have.

Rowan is Hilarious, everyday he says new things and they have us rolling in laughter. He does this new thing, when he gets his feelings hurt. He'll walk over to a corner and put his head down and lip out and pout, it really is adorable and his way of communicating with us. I love who he is becoming daily and enjoy our times together.

Currently, we are looking for a house to rent, we have outgrown a 2 bedroom apartment and are hoping to move into a house after Christmas for the remaining 7 months we are here. So please pray for that, it is really challenging to find a house in a neighborhood that is close to Ft. Sam and the hospitals, within our price range. I know that God has something in store and maybe it is to just stay put, either way we appreciate your prayers for all the details.

Thank you for all your love, encouragement and prayers. WE love and feel honired to have each and everyone of you with us in this journey of Faith and fighting.