Friday, April 23, 2010

What do you love in your life?

I have so much to say and yet words escape me. These last days have been so revealing of all that God has done in my heart and our family these last months. I feel like a blooming tree able to take in the warmth of the Sun and flourish under it. I began an internship program that focuses on writing and speaking. This has been substantially more than I imagined for my heart.

This year I have learned what I love to do. I love reading, savor it actually. Reading opens locked doors in my heart and mind and stirs me to continue becoming all that I am created to be. Food, the most delicious, juicy and savory for my soul. Also, I am dreaming of all that the future holds with very squinted eyes, because most of it is beyond my ability to see.

I also love relationships, which I knew. Being without them on a daily basis, has brought that front and center. Good conversation brings out the depths of me and the joy of loving.

I love sewing, though the time is hard to find and the ideas and projects overwhelmingly mind consuming. I have learned much about me and my make-up. Where my struggles are rooted and how to let go and overcome them.

I have learned the substance of my Faith is substantial and that God never changes even amidst challenges, heartache and emotions. That His plans and purposes are far beyond our understanding and brilliant.
I want to write all that has unraveled in my heart these past months but that would be a book. Let me just say my steps are lighter and my heart free to be me.

One of my favorite books right now is called, "Where is God when it hurts" I highly recommend it to everyone. It is the best explanation of this life and it's suffering. It has been deeply encouraging because it confirms so much that lives in my heart when it comes to God and his allowance for suffering in our life. He will use it for good, if we allow him to. Faith is Trusting that he is there in the midst and that is just beautiful.

Enough about me.

Wanted to share some pictures of all that has been going on here and let you in to a little bit of our day to day. Rowan is growing up and he rode his first pony, which he loved. Phoenix is turning a corner and becoming much more interactive and active. In turn causing Rowan to be much more interested and interactive with him. They laugh a ton at each other and there is no greater sound than that of their friendship growing in laughter.

Mike is doing great at clinicals and we are savoring his new schedule. He has been a fabulous support and help and watching the boys and him continue to develop the beauty of the Father and Son relationship has been Wonderful!!!
We got great news on Phoenix eyes this week. They are maturing well and he is seeing perfectly No sign that he'll need glasses or surgery. Which is a great relief and total miracle in light of his first diagnosis of maybe never seeing fully and optical nerve immaturity. I loved hearing this news.

We are now embarking on three days of therapy for Phoenix instead of 2 because he could not handle back to back Occupational therapy and physical therapy. This was a constant discouragement to me. As he would leave each session exhausted and frustrated and I would leave discouraged and a bit overwhelmed. So I made the decision to take on an extra day, which is a huge challenge in many ways. We have one car, so when I have appointments I have to take Mike to work and pick him up , which is a challenge with nap times and the such. Therapy sessions from start to finish invade and take about 2 to 2 1/2 hrs. with driving. So that takes a toll on my day. I am thankful for this invasion, but still learning to give my all to the boys when we get home. Rowan is so flexible and there are days and weeks I see the toll of me being away so often. This week we clocked about 12 hours at appointments and today is my only full day at home. None of this is me complaining, but me asking for your prayer, as this can take its toll on all of us, our schedules, to-do's and life in general.

We are thankful for all the progress in Phoenix and the lack of complications we've experienced int his first year. I know that this is a direct answer to prayer. Thank you all for being so Faithful.

Thank you for walking this life with us, we love you!!
Saturday, April 17, 2010

Life is but a breath.

Maybe tonight is not a good time to write. I have just came out of a week that I would rather not think about. Let alone relive for you. It has been one full of long days and draining emotion And still no conclusion.
But more than all that I can not stop thinking, aching and praying for dear friends of mine. On thursday my best friend Shannon called me to tell me that her brother and sister in law (Adam and Annie) just lost their aughter. Delia was three and like sunshine on a cloudy day. She loved life and made her family love life as well. Ann and I were pregnant together and though we have woven in and out of eachother lives on special occassions there is connection in our hearts. Mike and I have been so fond of her and Adam from the start, it was always easy and rich conversation with them. They are beautiful, strong and authentic in heart and soul. Tomorrow is the memorial and a flood of memories and emotions come.
I can't stop thinking about our first born Evan and the roads ahead for Annie and Adam. Grieving and life are long journeys, where every breath can be painfully refreshing or crushing. Some days, I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I birthed a life that I would never get to make memories with. Other days would pass like wind and I would think of Evan and move on in hope and joy. For them, all I can think about is the ache of so much of their life that was filled with her laughter and tears. Each room and memory will lead to deep and raw emotion that will at times take there breath away.
The flood of emotions. Grief. Thankfulness. And so much more complex heart longings for us, for them, for you.
Life should be cherished with everybreath, I miss this so often.
And I pray that tonight as I remember Delia and ache for Adam and Annie and the whole family to whom we love dearly, that we would step back and cherish life and breath. Joy and pain.
And celebrate a life of beauty, though much to short.
Delia dances in heaven with flowers in her hair and a great smile on her face.
May we dance and LIVE with those we love while we can.