Thursday, December 10, 2009


Alone seems like a word we are all familar with, we all face this feeling, thought or attitude in our heart on many occasions. Whether it be a situation, emotion or just life in general. Some of us know it and its lingering memories so fierce that the faintest implication can bring back its many complexities. For example when Mike was in boot camp my best friend Dana's husband Nate was in boot camp as well. They were not together but both away, everyday Dana and I has survival tactics. They included loading our 1 1/2 yr. olds in the car and indulging some of Wisconsin's finest Luxury excursions. Mainly trips to Starbucks, drive-thru only, we would have to be insane to drag those to any further than the car most days because as much as we were feeling alone, they were in the same boat, yet had no understanding of it all. One of our normal escapades, was McDonald's Play place, which is only a luxury if you are a stay at home Mom with a winter stir crazy child, maybe not, but for most. All of this to say Dana took Olivia there last week and it awakened in her many emotions including aloneness that were rooted in her and I during that season. Olivia, however was more annoyed than anything that there were BIG sweaty kids there playing in her area and running her over.

My point is, this place is a hard and desperate place. An emotion I wish God kept hidden in some place far, far away. It is what I have felt and articulated to God in too many conversations. From the All day Dr. appointments, where I only feel judgement and the deep resolve that I am so Alone, to the everyday realities of living in a World that has no filter on their thoughts being daggers that no one has the right to articulate, all the way to the depth of misguided perception of ourselves.

There are too many stories to tell and example in all that I am saying. I am sure you can reminisce and pull quite a few experiences of your own. For the sake of understanding here's a quick one. One day I was at a store just wasting time between appointments and a Woman comes up to me and asks, "What did you do to your baby's foot?" Phoenix wears a cast on his Club foot to correct it. Of curse being so taken off guard at this implication (as I always am). I politely responded with, "my son was born with a Club foot and the cast is to help correct this". Though inside I wanted to scream and yell at her,"Who are you to insinuate that I am faulted in this and how dare you?" It didn't stop there however, she continued on with a story of one of her children being born with 6 fingers and having to have it surgically removed and assured me that He would be ok and never know the difference. Then again that emotion creeps in ALONE.

What I wanted to explain to her, if she had a moment to listen, was that the Club foot is just the beginning and that Phoenix had been thru multiple surgeries and that Our family has sacrificed hours of energy and Faith into this little boy and that this is the beginning of a long journey not a surgical removal of a 6th finger.

Now don't get me wrong, I appreciated her heart of trying to relate and encourage me, but our problem as people is we just don't always take time to listen or think about what we are about to say. Everyone has a Story and it is ALWAYS more deep and intertwined than what we see. I feel challenged in this daily, to stop and care for someone who is in need or merely reach out to those I am close too. I don't always have to Understand it, because it's their story not mine, but I should ALWAYS be there to listen, encourage and love them the best I can.

This is a middle line story I am telling, there are many more that left wounds deeper and brought tears on my way home from the interaction. The most current one was the situation with our apartment, it is too long to go into. But let me jut say this, Compassion and Understanding are lacking in our day and age and so many unbeautiful characteristics are the driving force behind buisness' and people.

So this is the nutshell version of these weeks and months with Phoenix and they all lead me deeper and deeper into myself, which always has me running into the arms of God. Because when I feel most understood, judged or Alone, I know that He is right there to walk with me through it all. To gently remind me that I am never Alone, that He is always there. The Truth is that we are not Alone in this life, there are many people who pray, love, encourage and support us daily. All of you who love us through it all. Each moment we face this place, aloneness is the moment where God is drawing us, to Him. To Know that He cares, understands and is ALWAYS there. Cause sometimes even with all the love an support we have surrounding us, no one else is walking through it physically beside me, besides him.

Know I am not wallowing in this place and I am annoyed that I will revisit it many more times in my life, as will you. But I come out stronger and more aware of the reality of what I am facing. I become more prepared to address the Thoughts that should not become words and the implications that I am doing anything less than the Best for my family. I am becoming graciously assertive. My desire is that through an interaction with me they will think deeper about what they are about to say and have more compassion before passing a judgement on others, as well as realizing that Our Story, your Story, their Story is not what it appears to be at first glance.

We are doing well and continuing to learn and Grow as a family. Phoenix is doing good, he's progressing and changing daily and we love him so much. Rowan is content an hilarious, he keeps talking about all the people he is going to see after he goes on the Airplane. Mike is doing Awesome in school and is soo looking forward to 2 weeks off. Jon got a new waiting job at a busier restaurant and is doing well. I am learning and growing and becoming. My heart is at peace with the pace we have to keep and this season of Craziness. We are moving when we com back on January 2nd to a 3 bedroom apartment, which is a huge answer to prayer.

Merry Christmas to you all, we love you and are grateful for your love and support in our lives.