What do you love in your life?

I have so much to say and yet words escape me. These last days have been so revealing of all that God has done in my heart and our family these last months. I feel like a blooming tree able to take in the warmth of the Sun and flourish under it. I began an internship program that focuses on writing and speaking. This has been substantially more than I imagined for my heart.

This year I have learned what I love to do. I love reading, savor it actually. Reading opens locked doors in my heart and mind and stirs me to continue becoming all that I am created to be. Food, the most delicious, juicy and savory for my soul. Also, I am dreaming of all that the future holds with very squinted eyes, because most of it is beyond my ability to see.

I also love relationships, which I knew. Being without them on a daily basis, has brought that front and center. Good conversation brings out the depths of me and the joy of loving.

I love sewing, though the time is hard to find and the ideas and projects overwhelmingly mind consuming. I have learned much about me and my make-up. Where my struggles are rooted and how to let go and overcome them.

I have learned the substance of my Faith is substantial and that God never changes even amidst challenges, heartache and emotions. That His plans and purposes are far beyond our understanding and brilliant.

I want to write all that has unraveled in my heart these past months but that would be a book. Let me just say my steps are lighter and my heart free to be me.

One of my favorite books right now is called, "Where is God when it hurts" I highly recommend it to everyone. It is the best explanation of this life and it's suffering. It has been deeply encouraging because it confirms so much that lives in my heart when it comes to God and his allowance for suffering in our life. He will use it for good, if we allow him to. Faith is Trusting that he is there in the midst and that is just beautiful.

Enough about me.

Wanted to share some pictures of all that has been going on here and let you in to a little bit of our day to day. Rowan is growing up and he rode his first pony, which he loved. Phoenix is turning a corner and becoming much more interactive and active. In turn causing Rowan to be much more interested and interactive with him. They laugh a ton at each other and there is no greater sound than that of their friendship growing in laughter.

Mike is doing great at clinicals and we are savoring his new schedule. He has been a fabulous support and help and watching the boys and him continue to develop the beauty of the Father and Son relationship has been Wonderful!!!

We got great news on Phoenix eyes this week. They are maturing well and he is seeing perfectly No sign that he'll need glasses or surgery. Which is a great relief and total miracle in light of his first diagnosis of maybe never seeing fully and optical nerve immaturity. I loved hearing this news.

We are now embarking on three days of therapy for Phoenix instead of 2 because he could not handle back to back Occupational therapy and physical therapy. This was a constant discouragement to me. As he would leave each session exhausted and frustrated and I would leave discouraged and a bit overwhelmed. So I made the decision to take on an extra day, which is a huge challenge in many ways. We have one car, so when I have appointments I have to take Mike to work and pick him up , which is a challenge with nap times and the such. Therapy sessions from start to finish invade and take about 2 to 2 1/2 hrs. with driving. So that takes a toll on my day. I am thankful for this invasion, but still learning to give my all to the boys when we get home. Rowan is so flexible and there are days and weeks I see the toll of me being away so often. This week we clocked about 12 hours at appointments and today is my only full day at home. None of this is me complaining, but me asking for your prayer, as this can take its toll on all of us, our schedules, to-do's and life in general.

We are thankful for all the progress in Phoenix and the lack of complications we've experienced int his first year. I know that this is a direct answer to prayer. Thank you all for being so Faithful.

Thank you for walking this life with us, we love you!!

Life is but a breath.

Maybe tonight is not a good time to write. I have just came out of a week that I would rather not think about. Let alone relive for you. It has been one full of long days and draining emotion And still no conclusion.
But more than all that I can not stop thinking, aching and praying for dear friends of mine. On thursday my best friend Shannon called me to tell me that her brother and sister in law (Adam and Annie) just lost their aughter. Delia was three and like sunshine on a cloudy day. She loved life and made her family love life as well. Ann and I were pregnant together and though we have woven in and out of eachother lives on special occassions there is connection in our hearts. Mike and I have been so fond of her and Adam from the start, it was always easy and rich conversation with them. They are beautiful, strong and authentic in heart and soul. Tomorrow is the memorial and a flood of memories and emotions come.
I can't stop thinking about our first born Evan and the roads ahead for Annie and Adam. Grieving and life are long journeys, where every breath can be painfully refreshing or crushing. Some days, I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I birthed a life that I would never get to make memories with. Other days would pass like wind and I would think of Evan and move on in hope and joy. For them, all I can think about is the ache of so much of their life that was filled with her laughter and tears. Each room and memory will lead to deep and raw emotion that will at times take there breath away.
The flood of emotions. Grief. Thankfulness. And so much more complex heart longings for us, for them, for you.
Life should be cherished with everybreath, I miss this so often.
And I pray that tonight as I remember Delia and ache for Adam and Annie and the whole family to whom we love dearly, that we would step back and cherish life and breath. Joy and pain.
And celebrate a life of beauty, though much to short.
Delia dances in heaven with flowers in her hair and a great smile on her face.
May we dance and LIVE with those we love while we can.

2 months have come and gone.

Mike's Graduation day, he surprised me with that gorgeous yellow coat I am wearing, love his ability to shop and spoil me!!

Walk with our wonderful new friends Tanner and Ashley, their Mom Chrystal and I have become fast friends and I swear she is Crazy taking her three and my two out for "FUN"!!

Rowan in Tanner's Buzz costume, he loves Toy Story, Wiggles, Sesame Street and Dora as of late.

Rowan and Phoenix hanging out eating lunch!!

Granny and Rowan, my Mom slaved her whole week here. I didn't do a load of laundry or load the dishwasher for a whole week. It was amazing, she is SUPER GRANNY and a great strength to my heart. Thank God for Mom's!!

Really, it has been 2 months, unbelievable. They have passed like waves flowing and ebbing and then beautifully crashing on the beach. We have been engulfed in the routine of Monday and Wednesday therapies, juggling one car, hosting dinner parties with Army friends, visits with Granny and Mimi, meal planning, grocery shopping, date nights, new neighbors with phenomenal kids (complete answer to prayer), sewing, creative ventures, loss of a dear dear friend, reflections on Faith, marriage and the plans of God for us...

Clearly this list just builds and builds and fully engulfs my time and thoughts, giving me life some days that are like nails on a chalkboard and others, seemingly as wonderful and refreshing as the sunshine after a dreary winter. It seems we are growing up quickly and transition has been happening for all of us.

Mike Graduated last Wednesday from the Classroom part of his time here, what should have taken only six months was stretched out to eleven. It was painstaking for him at times, but he is great about remembering that Phoenix and the time off he had was a tremendous blessing. He is such a great man, his eyes are so focused on us and he goes to great lengths daily to be the best husband, father and man for our family. I am in awe often at the load he carries and how well he does it. I am constantly reminded by his character and love, what a gift he is to me and the boys and all that know him. This week he started his clinicals which has been really fresh and enjoyable for him. His leadership at the hospital is both flexible and laid back which is a cool drink of water from the last round of higher ups. His days end so early, that we are able to spend time together as a family before the dinner time craziness ensues. Mike is most excited about coming home in five months it has been over a year for him already since he left for boot camp. We miss our friends and family and life that is Ours and not the military's. So he is eager to move into that place, but also enjoying the time we have.

Rowan, he has seriously become a little boy, no more toddler left. Talking and expressing his emotions and thoughts, brilliantly. He has learned to entertain and play alone, which has been a great relief for me. I am able to Give Phoenix and the house (sometimes) the time and attention they need. He never allows too much time to pass before I hear his famous saying, "Mama come". That is one of my favorite parts of our day and his personality. He still enjoys me and I remember to stop and enjoy him. There is so much to love about him in this age and I don't wanna miss a moment. He loves to run outside and hide in the bushes, playing with his new best friend Tanner (neighbor) upstairs, taking walks to Starbucks and lunch's at Chik-fila. Wrestling with Uncle Jon, Papa and Tanner is a consistent adventure of his days. Rowan has truly taken on his namesake in so many ways. A tree with strong/ deep roots. He draws us back to each other and him and I can always see through his nature when the balance is off or the roots are in need of refreshing.

Phoenix, is progressing. Sometimes it seems rapid and others slow and steady. His eyes are focused and strong in new ways, which is so wonderful to see. He is getting strong at holding his head up and lasting longer and longer through his therapies. We had a urologist appointment this week and have a Eurodynamics test in early April. This test will dictate a catherization schedule and all the continuation of care. He will also be getting fitted, for his first wheelchair, standing frame and new car seat (specially designed to accommodate his kyphosis). It takes a couple months for insurance and the companies to get everything sorted out and made. Phoenix will have most of it by his first birthday. Which means he'll be learning to use it all as part of his daily therapy!! I can't believe how fast the time has gone. He is sweet and content, yet strong and determined, enjoying the new amounts of personality gushing forth. In the last couple weeks he has been smiling more and more and he has the best belly laughs, deep giggles, they light up my day. Enjoying him and the pace that he graces my life with. Phoenix has soared above expectations. I find myself amazed at the way God uses Phoenix to draw me to a place of focus on God alone.

I love that each of them has opened up my heart to unfathomable riches. To imagine what there lives will become and watch them unfold as individuals is a great honor. I am overwhelmed by the blessing of all that is stored up with in this role as a Mama.

My heart is growing softer and softer daily. I feel like layers of myself are unfolding and I am learning more and more about me. Odd, I really believed I knew myself through and through. But clearly God knows me better than myself and loves to teach me more about me.

Psalm 139 is a refuge for me. I have found great strength in these words.

"For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my Mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made: your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you."

This is the core of our Faith for Phoenix and the essence of beauty and depth of God's love for us, that his thoughts toward us outnumber the grains of sand and that he formed every part of me before the beginnings of the earth. Brilliant he is indeed. And so kind to reveal all that he sees and knows me to be.

Our journey is full of new adventures and fresh ability to walk in liberation as promised for this year!! Thank you all for sharing in this with us and loving us. We cherish you.