Penelope Promise is here, it only took me ten weeks to write about her!!

Oh Penelope!! She has taken my heart on a WILD ride, I am so in love! For the first weeks it was painful to put her down, so unnatural feeling actually. I felt with every passing moment of staring, starry eyed at my girl, that something deep was happening within my heart. It was and is!

This is the first time in 4 years that we took our baby home from the hospital. Hearing our baby cry and picking her up at the first sound, is a gift. It brings with it so many emotions to watch her move her legs wildly, to kiss her face with no tubes, to hold her close without monitors whispering or blaring at me, to nurse her whenever I want, not because someone told me too, to snuggle her with no interference, to kiss her, love her without fear or anticipation of the hard road ahead and to be me without someone watching over my shoulder in a curtained off area.

This is a small list of the beauty of her life and the restoring power it has had to my heart. I knew that having Phoenix in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit was hard on my heart and a crazy 3 months, but Penelope has been a vivid reminder of that painful time. Such a stark contrast and I am savoring every moment and allowing myself to feel at the deepest levels, the loss of those days at home with Phoenix. Moving forward in Joy and resoration! I love it.

Penelope Promise is so sweet,lovely,cuddly and chubbing up good. We are attached, she goes everywhere with me and not just cause she's nursing, I am just enamored and enjo having her by my side. Looking forward to all that is to come for her life and the Promises it holds.

Don't worry I still ADORE my boys, they are precious in everyway and adjusting in their own ways.Phoenix is growing stronger each day and I am amazed by his progress and his determination. He inspires me daily with his strength and desire to work hard at reaching new milestones. He just started smiling at me instead of screaming everytime I looked his direction. He became very attached to Mike while I was pregnant for many reasons, but mainly because physically i couldn't tote him around all day. Papa willingly did and does always. He's so committed to him not feeling left out, just the other day he was playing football with him in one arm while throwing with the other. Superman indeed, with a Super heart, love him so.

Rowan, is showing his need for attention in totally different ways, he loves me and follows me closely if I am available. I love who he's growing into as a brother and son. He often asks to hold Penelope and makes Phoenix laugh consistently. I love his compassionate nature. He wants me to look and watch every new thing he does (this might be a 4yr.old thing), which is helpful for me to stop and give him my attention.Discovering that he is cute, we've caught him making faces in the mirror and smiling often. As well as discovering what he is capable of doing!

Life has only picked up the pace in most ways. Hard to believe we've been back in Wisconsin for 9 mo. and I am continuing to smile at the craziness of our lives, always changing! Phoenix therapy schedule and the additional daily routines added to us. We are so grateful to be a part of life here and to continue watching our lives unfold as they will!

Mike and I are doing well and are getting away for an overnight this weekend for our 6 yr. anniversary.Been thinking back on the highlights of each year, so thankful for Mike and how perfect he is for me! WOW, it has been an extraordinary 6 years and I have loved all that God has done in us through the trials and blessings!! I am more ecstatic today than I was the day I married him, to spend the rest of our lives together. He is my best friend and we make a GREAT team, most days =}

We love you all and thank you for reading, loving and praying for us.

Waiting on life unfolding!!

Some weeks blow me away with the stories I hear about friends of friends or even the very interaction I have with friends and family here.

Stories of an Aunt being a surrogate for her niece, what a gift and honor. A father who lost his wife and daughter in a car wreck and his unshakeaable Fatih. Two friends in the last months and days of pregnancy, whom lost their baby girls moments too soon. A dear friend who has grown children taking on fostering a toddler and a preemie and all the heartache and hardship of that season of life all over again. A precious friend who is fighting for a "new job/ path", but loves deeply and gives all that she is to others without limits.

Seriously, I could go on and on. I am in awe and wrestling heartache with all of them. I love the generosity of these people and their stories make me so thankful and honored to be a part of there journeys. I have found great encouragement from talking and walking with them and it has seriously brought forth Gratitude and Prayers for the blessing of each moment.

I would love to expound on all these stories, but know that most of you are here to read about us and all that we have been upto, since I am totally slacking on the writing end of life. Days fly by, ok Months fly by in our house!

I could sum up this last few months as Waiting on the process! Since I am pregnant it is an obvious parallel, but it has been the theme and seems to transcend into all areas of our family. So my tip and what I am learning is... Trust God and Enjoy the process, cause time always provides growth in us. Growth of Trust, Character, Hope and deeper understanding that the process has GREAT purpose!

Here's the updates:

Mike: He started school in January, full time with the goal of getting the credits he needs to apply for PA (Physician Assistant)school. That is the long term goal as it will be about 2 years from now at least. We will know more as the process progresses. The decision to do this was a process that began at boot camp and concluded with him breaking his wrist in the military. Through the waiting game we really saw the Wisdom of God in him moving forward in this desire of his and the benefits to our family even today. He is loving school, he is a really great student and enjoying the outlet of learning. He ends up being at school two days a week (7am-7pm) and then is able to be home with me and the boys the other days. Well not that we are all actually ever home that much together, with all the appointments and therapies. But I love having him around, I am so thankful.

As far as his wrist goes. It is currently showing a cyst and 2 tendon tears, which they are hoping to repair through a surgery this summer. The Dr. believes they will not heal on their own and he is still experiencing pain. Again, we are waiting to make any decisions until the summer is here!! Oh the process.

Rowan also started school in January. Mon-Fri 830- 1130. He loves it while he's there, but has really been struggling with the transition emotionally. He is such a joy, we are constantly laughing at his growing vocabulary and facial expressions. Oh my does he know how to work his cuteness, including his Dimples, WOW!! He has been coming into who he is more and more. I love watching him interact in different settings. He takes a long time to warm up to new people and environments, is not a big group person, he is a definite people watcher, content to play by himself, and confident of his likes and dislikes. Aww, I so love him and our relationship, he still loves to cuddle me and tells me that my belly is so cushy, he is not ever laying on my belly, but on my chest, which is definetly more "cushy" than usual. ha ha! He loves to wrestle and build towers out of the couch cushions... Super hereos are the BEST in his eyes and he loves to dress up in his costumes as them!

Phoenix is Amazing us daily in all his changes. Both Physically and Mentally. For a long time it has challenging and discouraging for me as a parent. Mike and I have cried many nights at this stage of life. We are learning to allow ourselve these moments. Grieving for Phoenix's challenges in this life allows us to see the BEAUTY, Gift and Strength of his life and the honor of caring and encouraging him to not dwell in his differences.

He is a toddler, he's suppossed to be toddling, playing with other kids, all up in the cupboards and everything else that can drive us crazy as Mom's. But most days he is confined to one of his four different seating arrangements. And of late the one that is my hip has been semi out of service.

Leading to so much frustration on his end, but we have seen him grow in strength from all the sitting and learning to play independently. His Core strength is a Major issue for him, and we have been working 21 months now on him sitting strongly and independently, which he is doing!! There is celebrating in our hearts here!! The beginning of many new strides for him, next will be rolling over, which will increase his upper chest, shoulder and arm muscles. So that in due time he can learn to army crawl. All this work towards a milestone that most children reach at 6-9 months. These are the daily waiting challenges for both Phoenix and us.

Officially we have gotten his wheelchair all fitted and Phoenix is in LOVE with the independence it brings. Rowan likes to push him around in it. It gives them both new roles and the ability to interact. At this point we use it mainly within the house and we will slowly begin to take it with s outside the house in months to come.

Phoe is making lots of crazy noises(we've been doing Speech Therapy 1x a wk.), loves to wrestle with Papa and Rowan,finally has gotten more teeth, smiles all the time and has a determination that causes so much admiration in my heart!! He loves to flirt and loves all attention, such a little ham. Currently prefers Mike, thinks he's the BEST PAPA there is, which is true!!

As you can see we are always changing and growing as a family. Thankful for the blessings of this season. Waiting to see our lives unfold as they will and learning to Trust that life is BEAUTIFUL no matter how challenging. These trials for Phoenix make us appreciate the ease of many things we take for granted.

Such as our healthy Baby girl coming in just a month or so!!! Mike and I can not even fathom how in LOVE we are gonna be.

Thank you for all your love, prayers and support!! We are thankful!!

Long lost Reuwers...

It has been months, months. I have never gone this long without an update. I feel like my heart needs to write it all out as much as all my far away friends are wondering how and what we are doing. I am not even sure where to begin. We wrapped up our time in San Antonio at the end of August. After coming home to Chicago and Wisconsin for back to back weddings. We all returned to San Antonio for a whirlwind 3weeks jam packed with surprises, appointments for Phoenix, packing and all the details of returning to our home in Wisconsin. It was crazy!

On August 10th, which is Evan's 4th Birthday, we had a reason to celebrate as we remembered his precious life. We found out I was Pregnant, I had a suspicion but with all the travelng and my always early pregnancy testing, I waited longer than usual. Surprised and even a little anxious when the lines indicating pregnant appeared.

After Phoenix, I asked God for a year before the next pregnancy and as far as we can figure, it was a week over a year, that we conceived. Love His sense of humor. We Trust that God is building our family one beautiful child at a time, but my Faith is shaken in these moments of surprise. Because I had no control, I wasn't doing everything right like I should have been. I immediately began to list these fears/ anxietys off to Mike and being the voice of steadiness and Truth in my life that he is, he reminded me that nothing is in my control. Because with Evan I did everything right and yet he was the most Fatal and with each of them I followed the Dr's. recommendations, but God knit them as they are and chose us as there parents. AMAZING!! So I had peace and Faith in God's perfect plan and not mine.

It has been bumpy at times, letting go of my anxieties and walking in peace is not always easy. But I am in the second trimester and feeling human minus the constant fatigue. This has by far been the easiest pregnancy in everyway. We had our first ultrasound at almost 10 weeks and the baby looks great. There are certain indicators that show whether there is concern for Spina Bifida and at that point things looked good. Sweet babes was moving all limbs, which was awesome to see, since we never saw that movement with Phoenix. At the 18 week ultrasound it was confirmed that all looks healthy and we are expecting a GIRL!!! For those of you who know me, know that this da has been long awaited for me!! Mike said he has not seen me that excited ever, which I can't believe as true.But I am still rejoicing in a little baby girl adn all the wonder of this desire of my heart coming to pass.

Onto other life essentials. Mike graduated from school at Ft.Sam Houston on August 24th!! He is officially a X-Ray tech and soon will be on the hunt for a job. Though, we found out the week becfore we left that he has a broken wrist and has for about 5 months. They never ordered an x-ray till it was bothering him all these months later. For may logistical reasons they did not cast him, and sent us home. We have been home a month and are just now getting the paperwork to enable him to make an appointment and get casted. Love the efficiency sometimes. It was a work related break so we are on their time frame. We are thankful for his ability to be home and help get all of our life back here sorted out, but would also love for his wrist to be taken care of, as it is bothering him more and more. (SINCE this post Mike has had a cast on and removed, will be starting physical therapy to encourage more healing)

Rowan, has turned into a quite the little boy. He is enthralled with super heros. All of them from Superman to Wolverine. Often making anything a costume and telling us what superhero he is,the bad guys ( ususally Mike and his uncle Jon) can never win against the hero of the day. Such a great communicator when it comes to his likes and dislikes, and emotionally aware as well. We are laughing a ton these days with him and at his quirky little vocabulary!! He loves to help me in the kitchen and has become a very helpful and Kind older brother. Awe, I am soo in love with my little man, we enjoy eachother so much!

Coming home to Wisconsin has been like a breath of fresh air for us all. It has felt natural and overwhelming all in the same moments. New therapists, Dr.'s, medical systems,insurance changes and lots of hoops to jump through to keep Phoenix growing. A house and all its demands. Beautiful wonderful relationships that we are still figuring out how to fit into our non-stop world. It can feel a little bit overwhelming. I come back to the basics of being thankful and taking time to Breathe. What a difference that can make. One moment at a time and extending grace to myself often.

Life looks so different for each of us. Learning to find your place and putting down roots there can be shaky. I feel that I am constantly learning who I am and how to find a place in the new life I lead. Expectations of what it should have looked like " " only lead me to feel discontent. But if I embrace the beauty of today and can learn to see the purpose in each moment, than life is FULL of pure joy and Beauty.

I will be updating more often as life is steadying out here!!

Love you all,
Megan