Hard Road

Today is two weeks since Phoenix is born and it seems much longer in so many ways. This road has been rough the last few days, I have a hard time saying that out loud and even allowing myself to think it, because essentially there is so much to be thankful for. I am discovering however good and right it is for us to just allow ourselves to feel and say this is HARD!!! Life is hard, in different seasons, days or hours and we each have our way of dealing with it, I think I rise to the occasion and deal, but when it all hits me, then I just have a nice break down, and can usually bounce back shortly after.

This break down came after feeling so frustrated with the realities of my baby in the NICU. Everyday you hold your newborn multiple times a day to feed,comfort, cuddle or just get things done. Well holding Phoenix includes a 10 minute process of untangling his 20+ cords while finding the best placement for him in my arms so that none of his vitals dip and I am not interfering with oxygen or his wound and so many other things. While attempting to bottle feed, which Phoenix loves to chug so he forgets to breath, nurses try to offer suggestions and help, but every nurse says something different. All the while machines are beeping at you and I feel like a new and insecure, massively insecure Mom all over again, just wanting to scream let me just be a Mom and hold and love my baby. On top of this there have been some issues with Phoenix's breathing, he has been stopping and has to be manually reminded to breathe,scary to see, which may be related to his Chiardi diagnosis, I am awaiting a phone call from the Neurologist.

So after my cry session, I am refocusing on all the benefits of the NICU for Phoenix and us, it has given us time to adjust and learn more about the day to day of caring for him. Which will include many new things that I did not have to do with Rowan, such as physical theray, wound care, catheterising, and other day to day realities. These daily become less overwhelming and more of a reality to me, and he still has a long road ahead, as do we, full of growing and learning. Most of all the level of care here is AMAZING, each nurse loves and cares for Phoenix like we would and I feel able to leave every night fully trusting them, which is a gift from God. Above all else Phoenix is here against all odds and fighting for his life and healing from his first surgery. He is beautiful and sweet, content as can be even with all these machines and different peole caring for him. I am thankful for this MIRACLE and for all of your prayers support and friendship, as I know we would haave way more of these moments without all of this love and prayers.

My Mom has been here and enjoying her every moment of Grannie time with both Rowan and Phoenix, she is an ANGEl, she accomplishes so much in a day that I can't even begin to keep up. I am amazed and so thankful for her love, time and friendship in my life, it is a great strength and gift to me.